I'm funeral_by_razor, and this is my place to be completely honest. I'm eighteen years old, with five years of eating disorders and self-injury and I'm now at a point of mid-recovery. It's a work in progress. I'm not "all better" quite yet.
Most days I wish for perfection, but I'm learning to be happier.
What's the most emotionally scarring thing you've had to go through? My journey with self-injury and depression. Unless you've been there, it's hard to comprehend how mentally and physically draining all of it is. Too many people are suffering, and too few people are recovering. If I could give anyone one peice of advice about getting throught it- Don't ever give up, no matter how badly you want to; no matter how much you think you can't go on, you can, and you will, you have to work for it, and you may think it's going to kill you in the process, but you are strong enough to get through it, as long as you don't give up.
When you wake up in the morning what is usually your first thought? Usually about how strange it is that I never feel fully-rested.
Do you think more during the day or at night? The day, now, it used to be the night.
What's your opinion on "God"? I believe in Him with all of my heart and soul, and I owe everything to Him.
What's your opinion on evolution? My opinion? God created the heavens and the earth. I don't doubt that things have changed over time, but I believe He is responsible for those changes.
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? I don't have a specific place in which I want to live, it only matters who I'm with.
Do you think it's wrong to deny gays the right to marriage? Yes. I think it's wrong to tell someone who they can and cannot love.
How do you feel about the use of nuclear weapons? I understand that America needs to protect our country, but has anyone ever seen the movie "Terms of Engagement"? Too many innocent die.
Are you racist or sexist at all? No.
How do you feel about eating disorders? They happen all too often, and I wish someone could do something more about it. It's a road I wish I had never journeyed on, but more than that, I wish no one had journeyed on it.
Who do you talk to when you're sad? My boyfriend.
Why did you cry last? Because I was an emotional wreck- which typically happens only once a month.
What song has the most meaning to you? The Last Night by Skillet or Angel by Sarah McLachlan
Do you think it's important to get a college education? Yes, no matter how challenging it may be.
How do you feel about abortion? I refuse to answer this question for anyone but myself, and that, remains in my heart and mind if I ever get into a situation of the sort. I can't answer for you.
How do you feel about President Obama? I'm a Democrat; I support him.
Have you ever seriously considered killing yourself? Yes.
Would you ever become a vegetarian or vegan? I'm a vegetarian, as for going vegan, I believe that cows must be milked or it is painful for them, and I love cheese, haha.
How do you feel about sex before marriage? It depends on the person, and ideas change. Do whatever is right in your situation.
How do you feel about drugs? I think I've seen it hurt too many people that I love. It's not a road I want anyone to travel- and I hate them, to be blunt. Do you think marijuana should be legalized? Why? Absolutely not. It isn't as if it would change anything anyway- people that wish to do it, do it.
Are you stereotypical? I have no the slightest clue.
Who do you love the most? God, and my boyfriend.
Does it take a lot to make you cry? Depends.
Would/have you ever cheated on someone? No, and absolutely not.
How do you feel about the media? I think the news media needs to reconsider the fact that they're supposed to give us information about what's going on in our world- not who has gained a few pounds and "might be pregnant" or whatever else they're reporting these days.
What's the worst way the media have affected you? My eating disorder, though do not get me wrong, I am no solely blaming them.
Do you believe in love? Why or why not? I believe in love almost more than anything else.
Who do you trust with your life? My boyfriend.
Do you think our society is too looks-obsessed? But of course.
I discovered that I don't hate eating in front of everyone and anyone. I hate eating in front of one specific person, and this person isn't my best friend, boyfriend, or anyone related to me. It's someone in my life that shouldn't matter, period, but he/she does. And I'm sick and tired of being picked on nonstop.
I called and cancelled my eating disorder counseling a day before it was scheduled for. I called from the parking lot of a neurologist's office where my grandmother was diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease. She's been hit time after time for years, and this was pretty much the next biggest straw.
And although neurologists and psychologists are hardly related, they are both doctors, and this is what my brain recognized. Not only was I worried about my grandmother, but I didn't want to go to a place similar to where she was.
It may not make sense to anyone but me, it may not have been the right decision, but it's the one that was made.
I cancelled it via phone, told them this "wasn't a good time" and that I'd "reschedule when I knew what my schedule was." I probably won't reschedule, but I know it's there if I want it.
Tomorrow I'm going with my professor's assistant to make a counseling appointment. I almost am thinking about not doing it now, or hoping I'm going to hate it. Both, I know, are not good plans. Fact is, I feel more motivated now than I have in a while, and I'm in college, so..
A. I'm not watched nonstop, can skip breakfast and lunch and eat something small when my parents are around. B. The money I'm given for lunch I can use for something else, nothing bad, but it never hurts to have a little cash.
If my new counselor asks for the truth, he/she will get it. I'm not lying this time, and I'm not fabricating. I'm going to tell him/her what I'm thinking, when I'm thinking and how serious I am about all of this. If he/she thinks he/she can help me, then best of luck.
Although it sounds like it, I promise I'm not going into this hating it completely, and being all the way against it. A part of me wants help, just not the biggest part.
Today's calories were under 600, no outtake.
EDIT: I'm currently 120, 2 down from yesterday. Let's say 115 by the weekend? Let's try anyhow.
I'm funeral_by_razor, and this is my place to be completely honest. I'm eighteen years old, with five years of eating disorders and self-injury and I'm now at a point of mid-recovery. It's a work in progress. I'm not "all better" quite yet.
Most days I wish for perfection, but I'm learning to be happier.
